Despite countless warnings and protests, Married At First Sight’s cheating couple has shocked and irritated us all with their decision at a big fancy final commitment ceremony in foggy woodlands — while in another patch of foggy woodlands across town, the show’s annoyingly content couple has also irritated us with a gushy proposal and sponsorship jewellery.
Sunday night’s episode has two happy endings and this is clearly Nine’s attempt at making the show look more wholesome than the X-rated filth-fest we’ve witnessed over the past two months.
Can those people who started that weird online petition against Mel Schilling start another petition banning Dan and Jessika from spending the rest of their lives together? It’s not entirely clear if online petitions are prohibited from controlling people’s personal lives, but this is the internet and we make the rules up as we go.
“What a whirlwind! I never expected the twists and turns this experiment has brought!” Jessika splutters to us on the sofa with her hair pulled up into a messy topknot, totally unaware she is personally responsible for all of the twists and turns.
Last time we saw Dan, he was sickened by Jessika’s drunken mean girl antics at the dinner party. He told us he saw a side of her that appalled him. The disgusting scenes were making him rethink his entire relationship. We rejoiced. Finally, he has seen the light! But he was lying through his veneers.
Just minutes after Dan made those threatening comments, they had more window sex. We find them tangled in their rank sheets the morning after.
“I feel yucky after last night,” Jessika splats. It’s unclear if it’s the group fight she initiated that’s making her feel yucky, or the nine carafes of house wine she ingested.
“Ah well. As long as you still love me,” she splats at Dan while writhing around in their sweaty sheets.
She stares at him. He stares back.
“Yeah, do you still love her, Dan?” we splut, appearing in their doorway while eating fist-fulls of Froot Loops from the box.
Remember how Jessika told Dan she loved him and then bullied him into saying he loved her in front of the entire group? Well, to use Jessika’s language, he’s now feeling yucky.
They pack up their apartment and prepare to spend one week apart before reuniting at a private commitment ceremony where they will deliver their ultimate decision.
“I’ll be moving to the Gold Coast with you,” Jessika splats cheerily as she chucks all her crap in a suitcase. She hasn’t actually asked Dan once if it’s OK to move into his house with his five-year-old son, and now it’s too complicated for Dan to bring it up.
“We’ve only been together for a short period and she’s already talking about moving to the Gold Coast,” Dan whispers to us in a panic.
“Yeah, it’s hilarious — you should move and not tell her,” we giggle, while spitting Froot Loop remnants in his face.
Meanwhile, Jules and Cam are being annoyingly content and we honestly couldn’t be bothered. On the good side of the Harbour Bridge, Jules freaks out that Cam won’t propose and, on the boring side of the bridge, Cam stresses about whether he should propose.
It’s #BoringContentPeopleProblems and we just can’t relate. In an ideal world, Cam would propose and Jules would say no but since everyone started making online petitions about this show, producers don’t wanna do anything fun anymore.
Let’s check back in with Jessika and Dan, who are back in their home environments and trying to find really polite ways of telling their families that they’re dirty cheaters.
“I’m moving to the Gold Coast to be with him and I’m really looking forward to it!” Jessika spluts to anyone who will listen.
Dan has a different take.
“It’s moving bloody fast,” he shivers, curled up in the corner of his Gold Coast rental. He heads over to his judgy mum’s house and, as expected, she judges. She judges her son for cheating. She judges him for hurting Tamara even though she hates her and judged her too. But it’s the announcement that Jessika will relocate from Perth and move in with Dan that his mum judges the most. She freaks out. Somewhere throughout Dan’s explanation, his mum has decided that Jessika is some kind of hobo who wants to take advantage of free food and shelter.
“I’m concerned with her wanting to come to the Gold Coast,” Dan’s mum tells us sternly. “That she just wants somewhere to live and she’s gonna take advantage of him. To live with him in his house and his son. I’m a little bit worried about it actually.”
To summarise, Dan’s mum thinks Jessika is Joanne The Scammer.
Due to lack of other storylines this evening, we cross back to Jules and Cam. He’s in the woods. It’s oddly foggy and I’m pretty sure it’s machine-produced. She walks out of a fern and into the clearing, looking annoyingly content.
She says lots of gushy stuff. He says lots of gushy stuff. All the woodland creatures that surround them roll their eyes.
“You make me so happy Jules. Will you marry me?” he gushes.
“Yes! Of course I will!” Jules gushes back.
“Ugh, original,” a bitchy rabbit groans to a deer while Cam gives Jules some cruddy sponsorship jewellery.
In a bush clearing across town, Dan waits for Jessika. Suddenly, her limo runs over a bitchy rabbit and pulls to a stop.
“I am so wholeheartedly, head over heels, unconditionally in love with you,” she spluts to Dan. “I will always be blessed so long as I have you in my life.”
It’s the perfect set-up for a dramatic ending. We hope Dan’s judgy mum’s concerns about Jessika being a catfisher have freaked him out enough for him to dump her right here in the random jungle. Then, while Jess is crying, Dan can steal her limo and leave her stranded.
“Despite my feelings for you, I was really struggling with the lie we were living and the betrayal we were carrying out,” he murmurs to her.
“Yeah, you’re both terrible people!” we yell down from a gum tree. It echoes throughout the forest.
“In the last few days I’ve had a chance to think about our relationship and the impact it has had on other people. And also the impact it has had on me,”
Dan continues to grunt. “There were moments I was broken and completely shattered at the pain we were causing … certainly not how I wanted to start a relationship. It made me question if we could last as a couple …”
He pauses and exhales.
“Life’s too short to hide how you feel. I came here to fall in love and hope to have someone to take home and introduce to my son as my girl. I found that girl in you,” he mutters.
“We did not see this coming,” another bitchy rabbit eye-rolls.
Dan makes out like he’s going to propose to Jessika, but he stops short of saying the words and instead gives her a “symbol of commitment”. To clarify, it’s just another cruddy ring from the sponsorship jeweller.
Dan was bullied into saying he loves Jess even though he doesn’t. Then he was bullied into funding her cross-country relocation and allowing her to move in with him, even though he doesn’t want that. And now he has been bullied into fake-proposing to her. He’s whipped.
“Let’s hope Ning does something more interesting,” that bitchy rabbit mutters.